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    I am on the way. I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I am far from having arrived yet and that feels good. It's quite nice to be in motion, to be on the way, on my way to peace with my childlessness, on my way to becoming whole, on the way to myself.  I am on the way, I am growing, changing, I do not stand still.   I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I was going for a walk in the forest with a friend yesterday and she was talking about her life with two children, a husband, herself. How little time she has, what constricts her, why she doesn't see herself at the moment. She lacks space and the freedom just to be.  I told her about my dilemma, that at the moment I would like more "constraints" and demands from the outside. I have so much time and new spaces I don't really know how I like to fill those spaces yet.   I told her that I am no longer the woman who desperately wants to be a mom, but I have not fully arriv

      A few days ago, I had a conversation with my colleague at work about children, raising children and family life. At some point in the conversation, she said that I couldn't judge or truly understand any of that because I don't have any children. My thoughts came back to that conversation within the next days quite often.   I realized that in the past I often had the feeling that I was not entitled to an opinion on the subject of raising children, because I don't have any children. And the reaction in some conversations about this topic has only strengthened this impression.   In this conversation with my colleague, however, I realized for the first time that this is not true. Yes, I don't have children, but I still have clear ideas about what is good for children and what is not. Yes, I may not have experience in what it is like for children (and parents) to f.e. test boundaries, but I believe that it is very healthy for children to experience some boundaries

I trust conventional medicine. I believe in numbers, data, studies, and evidence-based medicine. However, even though there is no evidence at all, I did acupuncture during our last tries. It probably had something to do with searching for anything that might work, taking control again. I knew it wouldn't hurt, and who knows, maybe there were things in Chinese medicine I didn’t know yet. I wanted to believe in something.   I searched for a Chinese doctor and found... let’s say Dr. Lee. Dr. Lee has spent twelve years studying Chinese medicine and has his own practice now. I really had to work on myself a bit to trust him when he looked at my palms and suggested I should do acupuncture and maybe try one or two Chinese herb teas to get my cycle back on track. I gratefully declined the tea, but I agreed to the acupuncture.   Two to three times a week I laid down on a couch, several small needles were placed in different places of my body, depending on the stimulation date or my cycle