And there it came, all of the sudden. The wave of emotion. Quite unexpectedly it lurked behind the sms. And bang - it rolled over me.

This did not happen for quite a while now and it surprises me, how it made me sad. The sadness came in out of the blue. I think of the text from Elaine about feeling emotions. Maybe that's why I'm vulnerable to the moment, because I've been thinking a lot about feeling feelings the last few days. Yes, sometimes I put in a big box and try to hide that in the far corner of my selenium life.

I am strong! I can enjoy the moment! There are so many other things and qualities in life that I would not have had if I had become a mother. I try to make my inner self big, I stamp my feet firmly on the ground inside and puff myself up. Who wants something from me? I am superwomen, I am strong and happy!

And then, when the moment seems so unobserved, just like just now, when the sms fluttered in and my soul bird waves with its hands and says “Hello”!. Sometimes I forget about my bird inside and sometimes I don't want to hear it.

"The Soul Bird" a book by Michal Snunit and Na'ama Golomb has accompanied me in my life for a very, very long time. My mother gave it to me before I went abroad for a while as a teenager. The soul bird, yes, maybe that's it. Allowing the feeling.

I try to see the moment and the good in it, I try to see the exceedingly beautiful moments of not being a mother and yes, they exist, out of question.

But there is also the wistful feeling, there are the moments when I feel small, sad, just want to surrender to the wave, because yes, I miss my unborn kids. I miss family life and I miss being more than two.

The wave came unexpectedly. Because once again I didn't listen to my soul bird and assumed I was fine. With that sms a new world opened up to me. "Would you like to see the ballet performance of our big girl? You're kind of like a godmother to her."

That was it. The sms. Just like that. And the sadness.

I was trying to just be happy. Yes, I want to be a part, to give, to be there. And then the moment came.

I was standing at the theater, my friend with me. Grandma and Grandpa had come as well and I suddenly found myself in a parallel universe. The family universe. To which I normally have no access. Fathers and mothers with children greeted each other, all quite euphoric, the little ones will dance. I felt like a penguin in the desert. Completely out of place.

The theater was wonderful, I am grateful for the moment, my little friend had so much fun, was quite proud and happy that I was there.

And then I fled. So the family universe wouldn't swallow me up. And the sadness settled in with me for a few days after that.

My soul bird just looked at me and whispered just one sentence.  "Bittersweet, isn't it? "


  1. Oh, Lilly, this is a beautiful post, even if it is sad. Because you have captured exactly the feelings we have from time to time. I think when we are first healing, it is harder to accept, because we think we are doing well and we are feeling confident, and don't expect to be hit with a wave of sadness. It is so lovely you were able to be there, but I understand. I have been to sports days and plays of a friend's daughter, and while I loved being asked and being there for her, I also felt very out of place. Bittersweet is precisely the way to describe it. Gradually, we recover from moments like these more quickly. And they come less frequently. I'm glad you were able to come here and express this. You always have a place amongst us. Sending love and hugs.

    1. Dear Mali,
      thank you for your comfort and understanding. Yes, I didn't expect the sadness to show up but yes, the recovery doesn't take as long as it used to. Sending hugs back and thank you for being there!

  2. Oh wow. The family universe. I understand what you're saying. Your post reminds me of going to my friend's daughter's dance recital about 8 years ago. I was so excited to go, and then I felt so out of place there.

    1. Dear Phoenix,
      isn't that a funny feeling to feel totally out of place? I am so glad I am not the only one experiencing that. Many warm greetings to you!

  3. Dear Lilly, it is a beautiful post. I congratulate you for the courage to go to the ballet show. It is great that you are able to be a part of the little girl's life. But yes, how well do I know the feeling of missing our unborn kids. I also miss family life and I miss being more than two. Sending love and hugs from Slovenia. Klara

    1. Dear Klara,
      thank you for you support! It is great that I can be part of the little girl's life. and it does feel good that I am not the only one missing something that was never there :-)
      Sending hugs back to SLOVEenia!

  4. Dear Lilly,
    This is so touching. I literally had tears in my eyes reading this.
    I had a very similar experience one year ago. My godchild had a dance recital and asked me to come. It was sweet and beautiful to see the girls in their pretty dresses, to feel their pride and excitement. And yet, as Mali and Phoenix said, I felt very out of place. They all knew each other, the mothers took pictures and made little films with their mobile phones. In all the excitement, my godchild hardly even said "hi" to me. Also, her family and friends of theirs whose daughter is in the same dance group went out for pizza afterward. I know I wouldn't have been able to eat the pizza because of my food intolerances, but it would still have been nice to be asked. I felt so very empty when I got back home! So I very much relate to your post <3.
    "Soul bird" sounds like an excellent book. I will look it up!
    Much love,

    1. Dear Elaine,
      the "Soulbird" is a childrens book and so kind and sweet and I have it in my book shelf now for more than 25 years.
      Mali, Phoenix and Klara wrote it already and I am so glad that I am not the only one who feels weird and out of place in a situation like that. Yes, empty, that was how I felt. And left out.
      Thank you so much for you kind words. Through your words and the comments above I do feel I belong somewhere again! :-)
      Sending hugs

    2. Dear Lilly, you do belong into our loving circle! I love reading comments on your blog - so far I have met in person you, Elaine and Mali. And with all of you I felt an instant connection. We understand each other's pain that we had to go through in order to be in a place where we are now.
      much love, Klara


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