Bittersweet

 

And there it came, all of the sudden. The wave of emotion. Quite unexpectedly it lurked behind the sms. And bang - it rolled over me.

This did not happen for quite a while now and it surprises me, how it made me sad. The sadness came in out of the blue. I think of the text from Elaine about feeling emotions. Maybe that's why I'm vulnerable to the moment, because I've been thinking a lot about feeling feelings the last few days. Yes, sometimes I put in a big box and try to hide that in the far corner of my selenium life.

I am strong! I can enjoy the moment! There are so many other things and qualities in life that I would not have had if I had become a mother. I try to make my inner self big, I stamp my feet firmly on the ground inside and puff myself up. Who wants something from me? I am superwomen, I am strong and happy!

And then, when the moment seems so unobserved, just like just now, when the sms fluttered in and my soul bird waves with its hands and says “Hello”!. Sometimes I forget about my bird inside and sometimes I don't want to hear it.

"The Soul Bird" a book by Michal Snunit and Na'ama Golomb has accompanied me in my life for a very, very long time. My mother gave it to me before I went abroad for a while as a teenager. The soul bird, yes, maybe that's it. Allowing the feeling.

I try to see the moment and the good in it, I try to see the exceedingly beautiful moments of not being a mother and yes, they exist, out of question.

But there is also the wistful feeling, there are the moments when I feel small, sad, just want to surrender to the wave, because yes, I miss my unborn kids. I miss family life and I miss being more than two.

The wave came unexpectedly. Because once again I didn't listen to my soul bird and assumed I was fine. With that sms a new world opened up to me. "Would you like to see the ballet performance of our big girl? You're kind of like a godmother to her."

That was it. The sms. Just like that. And the sadness.

I was trying to just be happy. Yes, I want to be a part, to give, to be there. And then the moment came.

I was standing at the theater, my friend with me. Grandma and Grandpa had come as well and I suddenly found myself in a parallel universe. The family universe. To which I normally have no access. Fathers and mothers with children greeted each other, all quite euphoric, the little ones will dance. I felt like a penguin in the desert. Completely out of place.

The theater was wonderful, I am grateful for the moment, my little friend had so much fun, was quite proud and happy that I was there.

And then I fled. So the family universe wouldn't swallow me up. And the sadness settled in with me for a few days after that.

My soul bird just looked at me and whispered just one sentence.  "Bittersweet, isn't it? "