Have yourself a Merry Christmas!

      Last night I drove through the dark landscape. There were lights on the houses and on the trees along the way, many windows were brightly lit by stars, Santa Claus was climbing up the one or the other facade and in front of some houses were illuminated snowmen and women. Everything seemed to glitter a bit. I was driving, I listened to Christmas music and I had a wonderful tingling in my belly…. It is almost Christmas! I am looking forward to Christmas! Advent is already a unique time. It smells of hot spiced wine, waffles, cocoa, we are try to meet friends, taste homemade cookies and wish each other a joyful Advent. Everyone is cheerful, and especially during this crazy and strange COVID time, it feels as if everyone is getting emotionally closer together. This year I truly feel that it is a beautiful time and for the first time in years I don’t miss anything. I'm really enjoying this year Christmas and the Advent, the weeks before Christmas. I am prepared. Emotionall

On my way

    I am on the way. I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I am far from having arrived yet and that feels good. It's quite nice to be in motion, to be on the way, on my way to peace with my childlessness, on my way to becoming whole, on the way to myself.  I am on the way, I am growing, changing, I do not stand still.   I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I was going for a walk in the forest with a friend yesterday and she was talking about her life with two children, a husband, herself. How little time she has, what constricts her, why she doesn't see herself at the moment. She lacks space and the freedom just to be.  I told her about my dilemma, that at the moment I would like more "constraints" and demands from the outside. I have so much time and new spaces I don't really know how I like to fill those spaces yet.   I told her that I am no longer the woman who desperately wants to be a mom, but I have not fully arriv


      A few days ago, I had a conversation with my colleague at work about children, raising children and family life. At some point in the conversation, she said that I couldn't judge or truly understand any of that because I don't have any children. My thoughts came back to that conversation within the next days quite often.   I realized that in the past I often had the feeling that I was not entitled to an opinion on the subject of raising children, because I don't have any children. And the reaction in some conversations about this topic has only strengthened this impression.   In this conversation with my colleague, however, I realized for the first time that this is not true. Yes, I don't have children, but I still have clear ideas about what is good for children and what is not. Yes, I may not have experience in what it is like for children (and parents) to f.e. test boundaries, but I believe that it is very healthy for children to experience some boundaries