Too ambitious?

  During the last months I was so angry and hurt that even in the 21 st century, when I reflect the last years, I had situations where I had to decide between potential motherhood and having a successful professional life. I was angry that my sex, my biological clock, and my marriage status should determine my career options, and I refused to be limited to a woman who will be a mother soon. I went on with my career, took chances and yes, I wiped aside my wish to have children for quite some time because I wanted to become successful in my career. In my field it takes at least six years of studying and then six to eight years of training which means that in the thirties it decides whether we are achieving in a leading position or not. As a woman that interferes with the time when trying to become a family is really pressing.   At that time, I denied my deep wish to become a mother every time I was asked. I built up the image of a women that chooses career over family even though we

First day of school

    I'm nervous, fluttery, restless. I don't even know why. There isn’t really anything that should make me be nervous. But my thoughts are flying around. I’m searching for my inner stop sign. "Stop! I am fine! I am living a beautiful life; I love and am loved and there is no reason to be uneasy at all!" It works for a while. I look out the window, focus on the clouds passing by and I turn my sight to my evening plans. Why am I so nervous? For the last few weeks, I had the impression that I settled myself pretty good in the new Two. And then in a blink of an eye, this new feeling of security just disappears. Nothing spectacular happened. My nephew has started school that day. The daughter of a friend also. First day of school. Both had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was allowed to admire the “Schultüte” (cones the kids get, filled with gifts for their first day of school) and was actually quite content. And then, on the day itself, I'm not f


  I have thought a lot about my relationship with my husband recently and how we went through our journey together. Every relationship has its ups and downs. During treatment, emotional stability is the most important thing I believe. I believe if we both had not gone through these months as we did, we would certainly be much more exhausted and hurt. When the diagnosis came that took us to treatment, we talked about the basics. Before we even had any appointment at the clinic, we asked ourselves how would we deal with a disability? Would we want to do a screening during the pregnancy, and if so, with what consequence? How would we deal with a child with a trisomy? I was 38 years old at the time and knew that the risk increases with age. I know it was all hypothetical but still, it made us truly think about where we stand. What about the health risk for me, an “older” woman? What about taking back two blastocytes, or better one? Having twins sounds so wonderful, but could we handle