Change of perspective
Our friends gave us a tree as a gift when we married. In a pot, to be planted in the ground soon or sometime in the future. That was seven years ago. This tree has been on our balcony ever since, waiting for the soil that will probably never come.
Exactly one year ago we finished our ICSI journey. The end came slowly but somehow predictably. It came quietly, silently, like a cloud surrounding me from top to bottom. The fog lifted slowly and I felt like I was somehow disoriented. At that time I wrote this text "New rooms" which Klara published on her blog. (Thanks Klara!!!)
Well, and now?
One year ago I looked at the tree and imagined it being planted in a garden. I imagined how it would grow and get strong and blossom.
My perspective has changed. Our perspective has changed.
Something I never thought could be possible is happening. My life is picking up speed, I now know where I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to live.
We are looking for an apartment to buy. Not a house with a garden, but an apartment in the middle of the urban, wild, lively hustle and bustle of a big city, surrounded by trees and roof gardens and we in the middle of it. We may see children play but there are also people like us, who only have a bird's eye view of children. We won't be outsiders, watching children selling lemonade on the front garden and observing the families in the neighborhood celebrating family gathering and children’s birthdays.
We are already part of an urban, diverse coexistence, with old and young people, students, families, singles and couples. We have already lived in the city for more than 20 years. It fills me with so much energy. Yes, I would have imagined my life differently and always dreamed of having my own front door and a garden. I always dreamed about inviting many friends in the garden, having everyone gathered at a big wooden table, eating cake, children playing in the sun while the grownups drink coffee. I had imagined what it would be like to teach a little person to ride a bike. That wish was certainly also based on wanting to live my really good childhood again through someone else. Because my childhood was good. Almost like the ones Astrid Lindgren wrote about.
But you can never relive your own childhood, it will always be different, probably due to the fact that we are not children any more. As children, we weren't interested in the stuff adults complained about, we were playing in the forest, riding bikes, going for a swim. But as an adult, it is not about coming home after a long day of playing outside, cuddling on the sofa. It is more about society, neighbors, maybe things that are not so perfect in the perfect world.
Something within myself has shifted.
I realized, that my longing for children was in some parts related to the desire to be able to experience again the positive experiences of my own childhood through another little person. And it was a wish for the ideal world, endless summer days or cozy winter nights. We will never have children, so we will never have the opportunity (or the compulsion) to relive our own childhood through someone else. It is quite an unrealistic wish anyway. It freed my mind and heart when I realized that I don't need the house and the garden to feel the security, safety and comfort of being loved in an ideal world. We are the ideal world already. We defined our needs more clearly, we don’ have to want to live in a house. To realize this is ok and good, was such a relieve!
We will have our own open apartment, we will invite family and friends with the opportunity to stay overnight if they like, we may not have cake in the garden, but a lively and relaxed dinner instead. My husband and I will continue to have the freedom to enjoy urban life. We will walk the streets and belong to this diverse world. And we'll be able to travel without having to organize supplies for the garden.
The new rooms are filling with life and that feels wonderful!
And the tree will continue to stay with us. On the balcony in a bigger tub!