A blank new page

    I'm nervous, fluttery, restless. I don't even know why. There isn’t really anything that should make me be nervous. But my thoughts are flying around. I’m searching for my inner stop sign. "Stop! I am fine! I am living a beautiful life; I love and am loved and there is no reason to be uneasy at all!" It works for a while. I look out the window, focus on the clouds passing by and I turn my sight to my evening plans. Why am I so nervous? For the last few weeks, I had the impression that I settled myself pretty good in the new Two. And then in a blink of an eye, this new feeling of security just disappears. Nothing spectacular happened. My nephew has started school that day. The daughter of a friend also. First day of school. Both had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was allowed to admire the “Schultüte” (cones the kids get, filled with gifts for their first day of school) and was actually quite content. And then, on the day itself, I'm not f...

  I have thought a lot about my relationship with my husband recently and how we went through our journey together. Every relationship has its ups and downs. During treatment, emotional stability is the most important thing I believe. I believe if we both had not gone through these months as we did, we would certainly be much more exhausted and hurt. When the diagnosis came that took us to treatment, we talked about the basics. Before we even had any appointment at the clinic, we asked ourselves how would we deal with a disability? Would we want to do a screening during the pregnancy, and if so, with what consequence? How would we deal with a child with a trisomy? I was 38 years old at the time and knew that the risk increases with age. I know it was all hypothetical but still, it made us truly think about where we stand. What about the health risk for me, an “older” woman? What about taking back two blastocytes, or better one? Having twins sounds so wonderful, but could we han...

  Here I am, a woman, in my best age, married, no kids.   When we got married, my husband and I talked about the possibility of not being able to become a parent. What a weird and hypothetical thought. B ut I wanted to be clear that we both choose the one person in the world, we wanted to spend the rest our lives with and not only the one who would just fit for becoming the father/mother of our children. I knew that in the age of 36 years, it might mean, that I could be too old to become a mother, but I never had the slightest idea that this could in fact happen. Now 5 years later after losing two pregnancies, numerous cycles of trying and 10 ICSIs later, I know I have to let go. I cannot force anything to happen, I cannot ignore the fact that we tried everything we could, but that we will undoubtedly never be parents, no matter how hard we wish for it. Just by deeply wanting and hoping for something, it does not mean that it will ever come true.   When I try to det...