A new beginning


 

Here I am, a woman, in my best age, married, no kids.
 

When we got married, my husband and I talked about the possibility of not being able to become a parent. What a weird and hypothetical thought. But I wanted to be clear that we both choose the one person in the world, we wanted to spend the rest our lives with and not only the one who would just fit for becoming the father/mother of our children. I knew that in the age of 36 years, it might mean, that I could be too old to become a mother, but I never had the slightest idea that this could in fact happen.

Now 5 years later after losing two pregnancies, numerous cycles of trying and 10 ICSIs later, I know I have to let go. I cannot force anything to happen, I cannot ignore the fact that we tried everything we could, but that we will undoubtedly never be parents, no matter how hard we wish for it. Just by deeply wanting and hoping for something, it does not mean that it will ever come true.
 
When I try to detach myself to my inner emotional self, I can see that not having children isn't the worst thing that could happen in life. I have read so many blogs of great women all around the world in same situations, I have read lists of negative things in a life with children, lists of positive things in a life without children. I know by not having children I will be able to travel more, drink more, go out more, have more time to be myself, discover new talents, spend more time with my husband. But when I allow myself to feel into my inside, I would embrace all negative aspects in a blink of an eye because I know that is exactly the life I was aiming for! I really wanted to have kids, I wanted that exact life, that includes all the negative aspects, too!    

In German we say, " Kinderwunsch" which means the wish for children. I always said that I wish for a child. You can wish for everything, but you never know if it will become true one day. Even with the support of reproductive medicine it remains a wish, you wish for a child, you don't order a child.
Wishing means hoping for something, believing in something and knowing even though we give our best, in the end we cannot predict or influence the outcome. There is a German proverb that says, "hope is the last to die".
 
Maybe that is why I find it so difficult to let go. Because if I am honest, deep inside there is still hope, that irrational stupid little hope that one day my husband and I will have family, too. That my deep desire to take care of someone, to have sticky fingers everywhere, noisy laughter, small warm children’s bodies snuggling into bed during the night, that there is the chance to read good night stories to someone, to help a little person to grow and develop, that all those things will come true. Yes, I can try, and I really want to be the best aunt, or a supporting and fun grown up friend to my friends’ kids, but that still feels like compensation.
 
Letting go means to surrender. Letting go that wish, accepting to let that hope die, means facing a blank new page in my life and I am a little scared of what will come next.
It's a blank new page without any predetermined paths, with the freedom to form and create my live without boundaries, without social expectations. It scares me because I have to decide myself which way to go, what role I want to take in life, I have to define for myself what it means to be a woman.
I know that if I don't let go, I will be stuck in this situation forever and all the new, exciting adventures in life will just pass me by.

I believe that it is better to make any decision, even a bad one, than not to make one at all, because then someone else or destiny will make one for me that I might not like. 
My husband and I didn't make the decision to be forced to define a new concept in life away from the average and family concept in the first place,
 
but now I make the decision to try to let
this
hope
go
to have the chance to be open for something bright and new.
 
I will keep my head high and I will try to find a new hope or better the certainty that one day I will be through an through myself and grown.
 
I love the poem of Hermann Hesse "Stufen".
 
It says "In jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne, der uns beschützt und der uns hilft, zu leben."
"In every beginning there is a magic, that protects us and helps us to live."
 

It is time for a new beginning!
 
 
 
 

Comments

  1. Dear Lilly,
    I am so excited that I am the very first person who is leaving a comment on your blog!
    Congratulations on the new beginning. I am very looking forward to reading your blog!
    sending lots of love from sLOVEnia,
    Klara

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    Replies
    1. Dear Klara,
      welcome and thank you so much for everything!
      And yes, this is very exciting! :)

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  2. I am so sorry you have had to join the ranks of the No Kidding bloggers, but I am also very glad to welcome you to our group, and to have a new blogger in our midst. I hope our blogs have helped you begin to come to terms.

    " I know that if I don't let go, I will be stuck in this situation forever and all the new, exciting adventures in life will just pass me by." This is wisdom that it takes many people a long time to discover. You are well on your way already. Acceptance is hard, and learning to stop hoping is very hard too. But the rewards are there when we turn our hope to something new.

    Good luck! (And I hope you don't mind if I add your blog to my list.)

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    Replies
    1. Some time ago I have read in your 2020 Healing Project, the first step is to "show up". Yes, you were right, it takes some time to accept the fact that this should be it. But after I "showed up" my focus turned slowly but steadily into the direction to the future and how my real reality could be, instead of trying to hold on to an unrealistic and unfulfilled dream. Your blog (and all the others) really got me moving again!
      And thank you for adding me to your list! :)

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  3. Liebe Lilly,
    von Herzen willkommen in der Blogosphäre <3!
    Ich freue mich über deinen Blog, auch wenn es mir leid tut, dass du ebenfalls die Abzweigung ohne Kind nehmen musstest.
    Dein erster Blogeintrag ist sehr berührend. Du schreibst ganz wunderbar!
    Mit herzlichen Grüssen und allen guten Wünschen,
    Elaine

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    Replies
    1. Liebe Elaine,
      herzlichen Dank für deine Worte. Ich muss sagen, dein Blog hat mir so viel Kraft gegeben, mich zum nachdenken und umdenken angeregt und mir geholfen, loszulassen. Und ich habe schon immer viel für mich aufgeschrieben, Gedanken in Schriftform gebracht, mich geordnet. Allerdings auch festgestellt, dass es gut tut, die Gedanken nicht nur für mich zu artikulieren. Hier ist quasi der Versuch :)
      Wie wunderbar, dass ich auf dieser Abzweigung nicht alleine bin, sondern so viele tolle Frauen auch diesen Weg gehen.
      Liebe Grüße
      Lilly

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  4. Dear Lilly,
    welcome on the blogosphere!
    I'm very impressed that you thought of the possibility to have no children before you got married. How wise! When it didn't work out for me, I felt like a fool.
    Your posts are beautiful and I'm looking forward to reading them (even though I don't have as much time as I would wish to read and leave comments these days).
    Liebe Grüße,
    Léa

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    Replies
    1. Daer Léa, merci beaucoup for welcoming me!
      Yes, funny isn't it? There was even a time when I thought, that I always "knew" I couldn't become a mother, but I believe that were only "magic" thoughts. I am a realistic person and maybe that's why I thought of it even though there was no sign at all that this could become true. It didn't make things easier though...
      Liebe Grüße,
      Lilly

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  5. Hi Lilly,
    What a powerful, honest, beautiful first post. There is so much I can relate to. This piece: "I know that if I don't let go, I will be stuck in this situation forever and all the new, exciting adventures in life will just pass me by." That, for me, was the hardest. I didn't want to be the one to make the decision to end the quest for parenthood, but it was getting harder and harder to...live, and it took a crisis to say ENOUGH. It helped me so much to read blogs of women who had gone down this path before me, who weren't sad sap stories and had found a way to craft a beautiful life after letting go of what could have been but just wasn't. This piece is beautiful too: "to have the chance to be open for something bright and new." It is hard, so hard to let go of that dream. But there is so much beauty that can come after. The grieving is important. I spent a lot of time reading books like Life Without Baby by Lisa Manterfield and The Next Happy by Tracey Cleantis. Those two resonated the most with me, but there are lots of others including Living the LIfe Unexpected by Jody Day and Ever Upward by Justine Froelker. I really liked the journaling prompts in Life Without Baby, I bought that one while still thinking about the choice to be made. And The Next Happy was good because it wasn't solely about not having a baby, but new beginnings in general after disappointment and loss, and it was a really good read. Spending some time in these books helped me to navigate the choice-making, and my feelings during and directly after.
    It's funny, we talked about not being able to have children in much the same way when we were first dating, but it's one thing to have it be an abstract concept that you are okay with in a murky sort of way and quite another to have it come true and be faced with that loss.

    Anyway, too long of a comment, but I wanted to send you love and welcome you to a wonderful group of women supporting women, and give you a virtual hug. Thank you for sharing your story! I look forward to reading more.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Jess,
      Thank you for your comment and thank you so much for welcoming me! It really feels good to get the experience that there are actually people out there who understand without explanation! Yes, letting go is difficult, because we put so much energy in sucessing, we endured so many procedures, to get closer to our goal and then in the end it is really tough to let go. But it was probably important to go that way, too. And I yes, grieving is important, too, because just by trying to ignore the reality, we don't move forward and yes, I really did not want to get stuck :-)
      Thanks again, also for the book recomendation!
      Lilly

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  6. Hello and welcome!! Thank you for writing! I'm proud of and happy for you for choosing to not stay stuck. Blogging has really helped me heal as I desperately tried to move my life in a new direction. I'm sure you have many mixed feelings about everything and that a lot of them aren't such good feeling feelings, but I am excited for you for your blank new page. No need to rush to fill it. It will come. I look forward to reading what you write.

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    1. Dear Infertile Phoenix,
      Thanks! I really, really appreciate how warm and friendly I am welcomed in this group of women. It feels like belonging somewhere again and that's really a great feeling! :-)
      Lilly

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