First day of school
I'm nervous, fluttery, restless. I don't even know why. There isn’t really anything that should make me be nervous. But my thoughts are flying around. I’m searching for my inner stop sign. "Stop! I am fine! I am living a beautiful life; I love and am loved and there is no reason to be uneasy at all!" It works for a while. I look out the window, focus on the clouds passing by and I turn my sight to my evening plans.
Why am I so nervous?
For the last few weeks, I had the impression that I settled myself pretty good in the new Two. And then in a blink of an eye, this new feeling of security just disappears.
spectacular happened. My nephew has started school that day. The daughter of a friend also. First day of school. Both had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I
was allowed to admire the “Schultüte” (cones the kids get, filled with gifts for
their first day of school) and was actually quite content. And then, on the day
itself, I'm not firm at all.
I sent voice messages to the children early in the morning and wished them a great first day of school. My friend replied later in the day and sent me pictures. My sister sent a quick thank you note.
I realize again that although I am allowed to be there, I do not belong to that group, I am not part of the family world. I am a welcomed guest. I may smile, congratulate, show interest. However, I am not part of it.
I sometimes wish that someone would just give me quick hug on those days, first days of school, baptisms, children's birthdays, family gatherings, etc. I would then appreciate a lighthearted comment "Oh, so glad you're here, I could imagine it's not always easy and you're doing really well! Let’s raise a glass together and let’s be glad we have each other". I guess I just want to be seen and recognized. Without people make a big fuzz about it. In reality there is neither a comment nor a hug. I am invisible.
On that first day of school, when I realized how tempted I was to let my negative feelings and my nervousness tear me away, I planned a “Dinner for two”. I bought a bottle of good red wine, cooked a special and complex dinner in the middle of the week (!) and spent the evening with my husband. We talked about our travel plans in the future and which countries and cultures are definitely still on our list.
I became calmer again. I felt the ground again.