First day of school



I'm nervous, fluttery, restless. I don't even know why. There isn’t really anything that should make me be nervous. But my thoughts are flying around. I’m searching for my inner stop sign. "Stop! I am fine! I am living a beautiful life; I love and am loved and there is no reason to be uneasy at all!" It works for a while. I look out the window, focus on the clouds passing by and I turn my sight to my evening plans.

Why am I so nervous?

For the last few weeks, I had the impression that I settled myself pretty good in the new Two. And then in a blink of an eye, this new feeling of security just disappears.

Nothing spectacular happened. My nephew has started school that day. The daughter of a friend also. First day of school. Both had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was allowed to admire the “Schultüte” (cones the kids get, filled with gifts for their first day of school) and was actually quite content. And then, on the day itself, I'm not firm at all.
I sent voice messages to the children early in the morning and wished them a great first day of school. My friend replied later in the day and sent me pictures. My sister sent a quick thank you note.

I realize again that although I am allowed to be there, I do not belong to that group, I am not part of the family world. I am a welcomed guest. I may smile, congratulate, show interest. However, I am not part of it.

I sometimes wish that someone would just give me quick hug on those days, first days of school, baptisms, children's birthdays, family gatherings, etc. I would then appreciate a lighthearted comment "Oh, so glad you're here, I could imagine it's not always easy and you're doing really well! Let’s raise a glass together and let’s be glad we have each other". I guess I just want to be seen and recognized. Without people make a big fuzz about it. In reality there is neither a comment nor a hug. I am invisible. 

On that first day of school, when I realized how tempted I was to let my negative feelings and my nervousness tear me away, I planned a “Dinner for two”. I bought a bottle of good red wine, cooked a special and complex dinner in the middle of the week (!) and spent the evening with my husband. We talked about our travel plans in the future and which countries and cultures are definitely still on our list.

I became calmer again. I felt the ground again.


  1. I know all about being invisible. I am sending you a huge virtual hug.

    Dinner for two & complex dinner in the middle of the week sounds great.

    PS: It is good to know that you like red wine. So do we. We have some great red wine in my country. In case you are interested in this info ;)


    1. Thank you, Klara! And thank you for the information about the wine in your country! In fact I am interested in that information! :)

  2. I'm also sending you a big (((((((HUG))))))). You always have us to listen to you - we understand. But it sounds like you have a very good strategy to deal with this - red wine and a special dinner and your husband. Perfect!

    But also, I 100% approve of your idea that we say to each other, "Oh, so glad you're here, I could imagine it's not always easy and you're doing really well! Let’s raise a glass together and let’s be glad we have each other." Cheers/Prost!

    1. Thank you Mali!! Thank you for the hug and for beeing there and for listening!
      Seriously, I find it really incredible, how supportive it is to read about others in same situations! (I never expected anyone to actually read my blog though:).)

      Well, red wine is not always a good strategy....but in most cases it is ;)
      Cheers! Prost!

    2. Yes, there are many of us who love to read your blog <3
      I also find supportive & comforting to read about others in the same situation.

  3. What you wrote is perfect. It would've been awesome if someone had told me, "You're doing really well! Let's raise a glass together and let's be glad we have each other!" Honestly, I would still love it if someone said it to me now. It's always nice to feel "seen and recognized." I hated feeling invisible during my worst years.

    1. Yes, I think the lack of recognition and the feeling of being invisible is really hard. I have read many posts in your blog and I really think, you are doing more then well! So here I raise my glas to you! :-)

  4. I feel this: "I guess I just want to be seen and recognized." That's the biggest thing, is to have your life seen as happy and whole, while having the tough parts recognized. The back to school pictures are bittersweet for sure. I get distracted from it though because as a teacher this is my busy showtime, but also when everyone is very kid-focused. I'm raising a virtual glass to you right now.

    1. I believe that the feeling of being invisible comes from the fact that most of my friends have totally different schedules and topics in life than I have. They are so busy with their daily life. My thoughts about life and society in general, politics and all that, they are so busy they don't have much space for that. And not many can actually understand how life changing the last months and years were.
      Wow you are a teacher! I could imagine that there were really difficult times for you and probably still are, with being confronted with families all the time.
      I raise the glas to you, too! :-)


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