Too ambitious?

 

During the last months I was so angry and hurt that even in the 21^st century, when I reflect the last years, I had situations where I had to decide between potential motherhood and having a successful professional life. I was angry that my sex, my biological clock, and my marriage status should determine my career options, and I refused to be limited to a woman who will be a mother soon.

I went on with my career, took chances and yes, I wiped aside my wish to have children for quite some time because I wanted to become successful in my career. In my field it takes at least six years of studying and then six to eight years of training which means that in the thirties it decides whether we are achieving in a leading position or not. As a woman that interferes with the time when trying to become a family is really pressing.

 

At that time, I denied my deep wish to become a mother every time I was asked. I built up the image of a women that chooses career over family even though we tried for some time by then.  Otherwise, it probably would have been much harder to just keep going and we all know children do not come over night. If I had admitted that I really would love to become a mother, I would have been seen on the descending branch. I experienced at the same time men in my position climbed up the ladder of success even higher and faster regardless of their personal situation. You don't train a woman who may take a few months and assumingly even a year’s break after giving birth.

 

Once after I was just married, I applied for a management position. The male supervisor said during the interview that I would fit perfectly but at the same time he asked me why I would not rather take a step back than taking that position as I will surely be a mother soon. I was really startled because obviously I applied for that job and did not hand in my mother’s report. Did you ever hear someone ask a (newlywed) man if he wanted to step back in the career because he obviously will be a father soon?

 

I my experience by “choosing” the path of building up a career (especially in my field), I am seen, and I even saw myself, as the stereotype of an academic woman, who achieved a good position, but probably focused on the career rather than on becoming a mother. As a woman it is more likely to be seen as “too ambitious” to become a mother compared to men. I never heard anyone say that a man was too ambitious in his job to become a father.

 

It took me a while to see that it wasn’t my fault that we ended up as a family of two and that I didn’t stick too much to my career, that it is not that I didn’t try hard enough and that I did not wait too long to try. It is not my fault that I will never become a mother, and there's no shame in trying to advance my career while also trying to get pregnant, or the other way around.

 

There were times when I was so torn because I knew I probably had to choose between family and career at some point, and when my husband and I found out that we would need an ICSI treatment for at least having a little chance to become parents, I chose family, stepped back and took a job that wasn’t thrilling or academically inspiring, but gave me the possibility to do the ICSI treatment with all appointments, sick days and the organizing challenges that go along with it without anyone knowing about it. After all negative tries and when we had to learn that we will never be parents, I felt so guilty, and I was so scared that it was all my fault. (Even though I knew that we both had actual health issues that took us to ICSI, it wasn’t “just” age)

 

The weird thing is that it takes two to create a child and it takes two to be a parent and no one ever thought of my other and better half.

 

The worst thing is, when I think about it, that I did not want to belong in that “weird” group of childless women. It was me who thought that not being able to conceive is a lack. I never judged anyone I knew who had gone through ICSI treatment, I tried to support everyone I knew at work or in private life and all the women I met became a mother eventually. I did not.

 

The women especially at work in higher position, often serve the cliché of childless women. From the outside I do, too. Successful, well trained, with an academic career, no kids. Many of these women in my surrounding are at least ten years older than I am and they experienced even more difficulties to become successful in their profession than I did. I could imagine that it was not their choice either to choose between family and career. If they are childless by choice, it doesn’t mean they are weird either! In the beginning of the career being ambitious is seen as a positive attitude but at a certain age, being a married woman, if you stay childless by whatever reason there is, it swings into something negative. As a childless woman, some people think you are egoistic, selfish and only career oriented.

 

When all tries were negative, I felt completely empty and drained. I thought, I just did not get it done. The fact that I will stay a woman without a child, made me feel weak, small, powerless, cold, and weird.

 

But it is not the lack that women have! Or men! It does not make any of us less valuable, it is the lack of society that does not give us the same possibilities, the chance to choose our jobs and the support we need. Society and deadlocked role models make people judge. It does not matter if women don’t have children by choice, by circumstance or not by choice. None of these situations mean that we are weak, weird, heartless or that we failed! A woman that tries to build up a career and is trying to conceive at the same time should be able to do so! And if becoming a family is not working out, it is not shameful or a sign of failure! It is just the way it is.

 

I am so grateful for all the strong and wonderful women that started blogs. They made me remember that it was not my choice and that it was not my fault, that all tries came out negative.

It is time to see me again just the way I am.

 

I am straightforward, confident, strong, and focused on my career, which is totally ok. But more than that I am a feminine, loving, warm hearted and caring woman. I don’t have to pretend that my career is more important than having a family because it never was. Yes, I am a family person, who would love to have a family with more than two members, but I am also working person. I did not fail, I did not make wrong decisions, I was not too ambitious or too driven!

 

I am, who I am!  

 

And I made the decision to quit my job. I will drop out and will start something new. I do not want to be dependent on others anymore, I want to decide myself where my future lays.

 

And that feels good.

 

PS. To all men outside there, I know being childless without choice is hurting and frustrating for you, too! I know that you are probably not seen either and that life isn’t easy for you as well. Don’t get me wrong, this post is not about men being wrong or women being right. I know there are many unnecessary prejudices concerning childless not by choice men, too!!