A blank new page

  And there it came, all of the sudden. The wave of emotion. Quite unexpectedly it lurked behind the sms. And bang - it rolled over me. This did not happen for quite a while now and it surprises me, how it made me sad. The sadness came in out of the blue. I think of the text from Elaine  about feeling emotions. Maybe that's why I'm vulnerable to the moment, because I've been thinking a lot about feeling feelings the last few days. Yes, sometimes I put in a big box and try to hide that in the far corner of my selenium life. I am strong! I can enjoy the moment! There are so many other things and qualities in life that I would not have had if I had become a mother. I try to make my inner self big, I stamp my feet firmly on the ground inside and puff myself up. Who wants something from me? I am superwomen, I am strong and happy! And then, when the moment seems so unobserved, just like just now, when the sms fluttered in and my soul bird waves with its hands and says “He...

    In my last post I wrote about belonging. This Christmas I received several wonderful gifts and I realized that I already belong into the family world. The one wonderful gift I got was from my good friend's daughter. Early in the morning on the first day of Christmas, I got a message on my cell phone with a Christmas greeting from this little girl. The language was so clearly childlike that I realized she must have written it herself. I replied and my friend wrote later to me that this little girl urgently wanted to send a Christmas greeting to me and my husband.  This reminded me of sometime during the summer when we had received a postcard from her when the family was on vacation. At the time, I had assumed that her mother might have set it up, but my friend assured me that wasn't the case. She had asked her daughter at the time who she wanted to write a card to, and in a second without even thinking she answered that she wanted to write to my husband and me. ...

I've been thinking lately about why living just as Two is so difficult to accept. I think it has something to do with identity. Who am I, who do I want to be and where do I belong. It takes quite a bit of strength and energy to fill the new rooms in my life with color, to find myself anew. I know that I live a very self-determined life, that I am aware of my values and the principles I follow. I know my strengths and weaknesses. However, an identity also creates a sense of belonging. In my professional life, I feel very comfortable and have no trouble at all defining myself. This is simply because this part of my life has always been child-free. In my personal life, it is definitely more difficult. I haven't really found my role and my position yet. In fact, it sometimes feels like I've lost my sense of self and my identity to some extent. When I'm in an environment where perhaps the children are already out of the house or are at an age where they no longer dom...

  Some time ago, my sister and I had a conversation about how I find family gatherings and celebrations difficult. She had just become a mother again and was really surprised that it is "still" difficult for me to endure the complete family happiness. She looked at me in amazement and just replied: “Well, actually we thought you were done with it.” Done with it. Well, you're never really “done” with it. My sister's life has been dominated by children's issues ever since she became a mother. Kindergarten, school, vacations with children, soccer training, school successes or failures. She is sending pictures of the children playing, children's birthday parties. Our whole family's life has been marked by their change from a young married couple to a family of four. Understandably, my sister's perspective has changed. She's a mother now, so of course she has completely different priorities than she used to. And my parents are grandparents now. ...

 There are topics I wanted to write about in this blog, but right now it seems so inappropriate to talk about me, my lost future as a mother, and my problems with my childless life while a terrible, cruel war is raging in Europe. I don't even know how to put my thoughts into the right words. Yes, war in Europe. I never thought that something like this could happen again after World War II. I think of the thousands of people forced to leave behind literally everything they have. They have to leave their old lives behind with only a suitcase and in some cases not even that. My problems seem to disappear when I think of the lost hopes and lost futures that many, many, many people in Ukraine and also in Russia are suffering right now. All because of this terrible, mad tyrant who, together with his generals and aides, prepared this insane war for years and has now started it.  The world will never be the same again, and I am speechless and numb when I think about it. I am also impr...

  Our friends gave us a tree as a gift when we married. In a pot, to be planted in the ground soon or sometime in the future. That was seven years ago. This tree has been on our balcony ever since, waiting for the soil that will probably never come. Exactly one year ago we finished our ICSI journey. The end came slowly but somehow predictably. It came quietly, silently, like a cloud surrounding me from top to bottom.   The fog lifted slowly and I felt like I was somehow disoriented. At that time I wrote this text   "New rooms"   which Klara published on her blog. (Thanks Klara!!!) Well, and now? One year ago I looked at the tree and imagined it being planted in a garden. I imagined how it would grow and get strong and blossom. My perspective has changed.  Our perspective has changed. Something I never thought could be possible is happening. My life is picking up speed, I now know where I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to live. We are looki...

      Last night I drove through the dark landscape. There were lights on the houses and on the trees along the way, many windows were brightly lit by stars, Santa Claus was climbing up the one or the other facade and in front of some houses were illuminated snowmen and women. Everything seemed to glitter a bit. I was driving, I listened to Christmas music and I had a wonderful tingling in my belly…. It is almost Christmas! I am looking forward to Christmas! Advent is already a unique time. It smells of hot spiced wine, waffles, cocoa, we are try to meet friends, taste homemade cookies and wish each other a joyful Advent. Everyone is cheerful, and especially during this crazy and strange COVID time, it feels as if everyone is getting emotionally closer together. This year I truly feel that it is a beautiful time and for the first time in years I don’t miss anything. I'm really enjoying this year Christmas and the Advent, the weeks before Christmas. I am prepared. ...

    I am on the way. I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I am far from having arrived yet and that feels good. It's quite nice to be in motion, to be on the way, on my way to peace with my childlessness, on my way to becoming whole, on the way to myself.  I am on the way, I am growing, changing, I do not stand still.   I don't stop, I keep going. I just keep walking.   I was going for a walk in the forest with a friend yesterday and she was talking about her life with two children, a husband, herself. How little time she has, what constricts her, why she doesn't see herself at the moment. She lacks space and the freedom just to be.  I told her about my dilemma, that at the moment I would like more "constraints" and demands from the outside. I have so much time and new spaces I don't really know how I like to fill those spaces yet.   I told her that I am no longer the woman who desperately wants to be a mom, but I have not fu...